Here I go again!
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Es el amor que sube despacito por mi corazon. Y va dejando en cada Rincon. Y viene y va en el vaiven. Ahora te quiero y ahora no se! Es el amor, que sabe que esos ojos son mi perdicion. Que me dice que si, aunque yo diga no. Y viene y va en el vaiven. Por cada beso me roba tres!
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Soroush ordered me to write and I have to obey! One thing, how many Soroushes do we have here? 'Cause I was gonna say, “Dude you may wanna take a look at your own blog!” then I thought maybe I got the wrong guy! I just can’t keep track of who’s who! Or is there just one? Now time for the critical question: Have I read Brian’s new book The Fabric of Cosmos, or not! And the answer is a no with a big fat N and O! Not because I wouldn’t love to (I may have a love hate relationship here!)! (HINT: Refering to the Spanish lines in the beginning of the post). I just don’t want to be reminded of changing my major from physics to math and end up wondering why I did it! 'Cause it’s done and gone and I am not gonna be switching back! That’s it! Now about suicide, well, obviously Kaveh freaked out after he heard the news and left for good! I wonder if his offer still stands though!! The suicide story is a long one, and I don’t want to be reminded of it! I may write it in full one day, but all I have to say as of right now is that it was a misunderstanding! It started with a bad roommate. See there is a big difference between attempting to kill yourself and thinking gosh I wish I were dead! One problem was that I got to a point that I needed attention so bad, that I didn’t care who it’s from! The downside of going to an all girls school: there is no male attention, and you don't realize it until it hits you in the head! And, I started neglecting myself! Life was just about studying, I often forgot to do laundry or to eat or missed taking shower for a week, and I didn’t care anymore, there was really no reason to do it. The interesting thing is that I never did then for any reason before that either, but at that point in time, I had NO INCENTIVE! In a way I liked being consumed in finding matrix inverses, etc. at least it was a distraction from feeling miserable and lonely, so I did it to the utmost! I would stay up all night (and I mean till 7 am) doing problems. Or worse, when I couldn’t concentrate I would just call people, and after hours of talking to all the people in my phone book, I would go online and chat with random people!!! And I started hating myself, and everything around me. Life got so pointless and I had no reason to live! But it was more of a passive thought than an active one! I never attempted at killing myself! I hated everything around me so much that I wished there was a way for me to seize existence. And my family has always been trying to lure me into going counseling, apparently they all needed it at some point in life, so I listened and that’s where everything went wrong. When I expressed my feelings (I have a unique way of expressing pain, I sometimes even draw them or use visual analogies to describe them) the counselor panicked! Private schools have weird rules. Apparently a guy at Harvard killed himself a couple of years ago and they changed their rules after that incident. Now they can send you to the hospital or on a medical leave without your consent! This would have never happened at any other place! The thing is, now I know that you can't go counceling too many times but I didn't know it then! I had never gone counceling before that I never needed it, how was I supposed to know. Now I know that someone shouldn't be sent to the hospital unless she asks for it or attempts at suicide, because otherwise, the hospital experience is so traumatic that she wouldn't cry out for help the next time around. But obviously, the folks at Wellesley didn't know! When I was at Wellesley, I kept wondering what makes people care for each other (I still am), trying to spot the smallest sign of affection, and wondering why is it that no one cares for me, but apparently there were people who did ‘cause after I came back from the hospital and told my story, my friends objected why I didn’t call them! When I had an anxiety attack I would just grab someone in the elevator, lunchroom, classroom, etc. and talk to her for hours and cry nonstop and I had no idea why I got that way! I never got like that before. Thankfully, at Wellesley, everybody has been through this and no one thinks you are a psycho if you are like that!! And my case was so severe that even if they did I wouldn’t have cared! One day we were out with a bunch of guys from MIT and after a certain hour, I suddenly felt that way again. One of them kept asking, “Are you ok? What happened? You suddenly went in this shell! You were so talkative an hour ago! Let us cheer you up if you are sad.” But I just wanted to get away from there and I so didn’t care what these guys were gonna think that I was on the verge of crying! Numerous counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists saw me, and each gave a different evaluation or medication! And it turned out that my problem was the pressure from all of this paparatzi! Because my counselor kept making me believe that I have this incurable disease that wouldn’t go away unless I take medication, unless I see this, that or the other. (A friend said it’s because rich people are very good with taking medication. She went to a private high school and said half of the high school was on Prozac. They thought it’s cool!) But I didn’t want to take pills! I just couldn’t comprehend the mystery behind feeling so happy the previous month when I was in Florida and being down in the ditch all of a sudden! Anyway, I am happy again, with no medication and no strings attached! I go to therapy (I have to so that I can go back) and my therapist and all of her colleagues are stupefied by what happened to me and moreover, by the fact that after all that, when Wellesley is expecting me to be home all day thinking whether I should take this pill or that one, I am taking classes at the U of FL and acing them all straight! (An Aside: I kept thinking I have no idea what’s going on in my Linear Algebra class, the other day in the middle of the quiz I had this moment of epiphany that the whole thing made sense, and as rude as I am, after the test I argued about the answer to one of the proof questions with the instructor so that he eventually gave in! And today, I answered all of his questions in class that on the tenth one he turned to the rest of the class and said you guys are welcome to think also!!) Well I have said enough for now, and I don’t even wanna say more or I’ll go forever. I don’t even think there is any need for me to talk about this story later, I told you most of it! The rest is just my heroine addict roommate at the hospital and the woman who thought she is Yoko Ono, fainting (as the cause of drawing too much blood! These idiots couldn’t take my blood pressure but still didn’t stop taking blood samples! Now I wonder if they were selling it on the black market) and falling on my tooth (which the dentist said may be dead), my inconceivable tension headaches I was even willing to take morphine for and my nightmares of getting raped afterwards! Gory stuff! I was obviously victimized! (According to the feeling good handbook, hehehe! just kidding!)